So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
