I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
