i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
