the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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