honey bunches of taint.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
