if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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