I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I don't deserve a penis
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
