WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
