Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
