I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
