with your own penis?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
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