My liver just broke up with me...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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