i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
