Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
