Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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