the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
