Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize