the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
