I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
