life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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