At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
