connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian