I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air