I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
