I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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