They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
