Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
