I can tuck mytits in my pants
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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