mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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