forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
