i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Did I show you my penis last night?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
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But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
its liver damage thursday
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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