How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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