In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
