you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
