my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
