You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
