Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
39 Memes Anyone Who Cries When They See Their Bank Account Will Relate To
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night