I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
