I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
