Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize