at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
