The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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