Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
