we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
