Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Watching her eat just hurts me
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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