Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
