I could have mohawked her pubes.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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