i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Text me some of your sweat
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