dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
