I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
