he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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