If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
