So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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