May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Randomize
