Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
