My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Randomize
