dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
