I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
