In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
