did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
