Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
