I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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