you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
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Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
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We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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